


How to Train Your Wizard

by BleedingHeart911



Category: Red Shoes and the 7 Dwarfs (2019)
Genre: Disney, F/M, Multi, Other, Red Shoes, Shrek - Freeform, how to train your dragon, the Brothers Grimm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25142545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BleedingHeart911/pseuds/BleedingHeart911
Summary: Snow invites her old boyfriend to meet her new boyfriend. One's a wizard recently set free from a curse and the other is a Viking with stubbornness issues.
Relationships: Snow White/ Merlin, red shoes/ merlin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 60





	How to Train Your Wizard

This isn’t a crossover with _How to Train Your Dragon_ (my favorite non-Disney animated movie of all time), more of a homage. There were some scenes in _Red Shoes_ that reminded me of Httyd (the giant puppet flying by broom) (Ha.) (Just typing that had me laughing at the wonderful imagination of this CGI fairy tale) and that sent my fingers buzzing.

  
…  
The mermaids of the beach found the tourist humans too odd by a starfish-half. Giant umbrella over their fully clothed bodies; these landmaids were in the wrong climate. The strange landfolk separated from nature further by sitting in lounging chairs as if the boulders in the ocean weren’t cool enough.

“Gotta love that sun.” Snow White said under her sunhat. In one hand she fanned her soft chin, in the other her fingers laced in her boyfriend’s hand.

  
“Yes, and this fresh sea breeze.” Merlin said dozily, his eyelids closing under his sun-obstacles. He snapped his long fingers and a candle enchanted with bug-repellent burned green and smelled like a sunflower. They sighed in unison, their cares slipping away.

  
The cawing of seagulls became the yelps of scared mermaids. Snow and Merlin open a single eye each to see a wooden dragon raging towards the shoreline.

  
“Who would think building a giant dragon puppet easier than taking the beast as a pet?” Merlin asked as he dropped his lite beach-rob. He flipped through the spell-cards in his belt-satchel. 

  
“Sweetie, that’s a Viking’s ship. You might want to pull out a big zapper.” Snow said as she closed their umbrella. Merlin had his magic, she had the strength to stab and whack. They sped-walked to the gentle waves, weapons in hand but allowing the strangers to arrive.

  
“Never fought a Viking before. Heard they’re like minotaur-pirates without dental plans.” Merlin said, watching the huge sails.

  
“That’s the stereotype. It’s not untrue but I’ve known some exceptions.” Snow said as the boat pushed into the sand.

  
Merlin smirked, he thought about asking if his princess had known a lot of disgusting pirates growing up in the sheltered ballrooms. He didn’t ask since the horned, hairy, man-like fiends jumped onto the beach, shaking the earth. 

  
The hairy beasts groaned in warning, weapons in hand though they stood in wait. A huge, maybe seven-foot-tall, yellow-haired beast jumped off the side. His smell made Merlin’s stomach turn.

  
“I’m going to hit him with a soap-spell first.” Merlin said as he raised a spell-card.

  
Snow grabbed his hand, “Wait a minute. Brutechel?”

  
Under the unruly hair and horned-helmet Merlin saw bright blue eyes and the scruffy stubble of a young man’s sickly smile.

  
“Snow! You’re alright!” The Viking exclaimed, swinging his mallets over his head.

  
Snow laughed and ran into Brutechel’s hug. The Viking’s thick muscles had no problem raising Snow off her feet in a twirl. The sight disgusted Merlin; he felt a flicker of lightning trickle up his thin arms.

  
Brutechel placed Snow back on the sand and held her fair little hands in his hammy ham-hands.

  
“I wanted to come sooner- when I heard about your step-mother –“

  
“It’s fine, we’re fine. You had your reasons for not-“

  
“No, my chief hid your letters. He had- I had no idea… You must have thought I was the most selfish son of troll.” Brutechel said with regret.

  
“Never.” Snow’s big brown eyes looked up at the young man two-heads taller than she.

  
Brutechel sighed deeply with tears of joy. “Thank Odin you’re alright.”

  
“Yes, she is.” Merlin stated loudly, stepping to Snow’s side. He put an arm around her possessively and said, “Hi, I’m the hero who saved the White Castle, among others. Merlin, leader of the Fearless Seven, I’m sure you heard of us.”

  
“Thought you guys were a democracy.” Snow said, dropping her hands from Brutechel’s grip.

  
“When my quick thinking and skill can’t find an advantage, yes we can be.” Merlin amended.

  
“Oh, yeah I have heard the F Seven. Thought they died a year ago?” Brutechel said, eyeing the overly-groomed fishbone holding Snow.

  
“Sabbatical.” Snow shrugged slightly annoyed with Merlin’s bragging, “So yeah, Brutechel this is Merlin, Merlin this is my dear old…. Brutechel.”

  
Both boys heard her take a beat to avoid using ‘old/ ex boyfriend’.

  
“Uh-huh.” Brutechel said, folding his ox-like muscles across his chest.

  
“Yep.” Merlin said with a pop of his lips.

  
Snow groaned through a smile and pushed Merlin’s hand off her shoulder. “Bea, tell me you didn’t come all this way just for me and my problems.”

  
“I would’ve crossed any seas if I thought you were in danger.” Brutechel said gently.

  
Merlin tried to say something but Snow spoke over him with, “Then the least we can do is invite you to dinner.”

  
“I’d be honored, Snow Bunny.” Brutechel said, barely moving his eyes from Snow, “That alright with you, chum?”

  
“Of course, and allow me to cook for you, bud.” Merlin said with a very fake smile.

  
“I’ll bring something over, that fine with you, Murray?” Brutechel said unamused.

  
“Don’t go out of your way, Brutus, any allergies I should know about?” Merlin asked stepping closer.

  
“Nope, but I don’t eat meat or dairy, dude.” The Viking said, crouching over string-bean.

  
“You’re a Vegan Viking, lad?” Merlin asked, noticing a few teeth were metal and gold.

  
“You bet your pointy hat, pal.” Brutechel said, wondering when non-Viking men started wearing perfume.

  
Merlin held back a flicker of lightning in his palm, “We’ll keep that in mind, and don’t trouble yourself with dessert. I know a guy.”

  
“I know a guy, too.” Brutechel said, curling and uncurling his fist.

  
“Oh boy,” Snow said drily, she clapped her hands, “You guys, hey.”

  
They both stared at her, their postures aligned to pounce.

  
“How about we all agree to meet at the castle around sunset? That good for you, Brutechel?”

  
The smelly oaf softened, “Oh course, Bunny, I look forward to tonight.”

  
“Me too.” Snow said sweetly as she grabbed Merlin’s arm, “Let’s go get ready.”

  
“Of course, my darling.” Merlin said, looping his arm around Snow’s elbow. “Now don’t you pillage when we turn our backs.”

  
Snow pinched his arm and they waved to the Vikings to Brutechel’s horde. The couple noticed some had buckets of popcorn. The Vikings waived back in a friendly manner.

  
On Risky Rock, Arthur’s laugh dug so deep the side of his dwarf-green abbs began to ache.

  
“Pure barry,” Merlin’s oldest friend said while beating the table. “Snow use to date a Viking? One of those lugs would use you like a toothpick. This has to be killing you, Merlin!”  
“Shut up, Arthur.” Merlin said while pouting in his chair at their oval table.

  
“Poor Merlin, the cute cure to your curse came with some burly baggage.” Jack said, also still green, small and polishing his nails to a shine. Pino, Noki and Kio stated different similes for Jack’s alliteration. 

  
“I really can’t see how a girl as lovely and demur as Snow would ever even think of going near one of those filthy vandals.” Merlin said, relieved he could complain far from his girlfriend’s ears.

  
“Ah, la vache, you would’ve said the same thing about your squat little self when she met you.” Jack countered. Arthur was still chortlings, rolling on the floor.

  
Merlin rolled his eyes, “I really doubt there’s anything hidden in that bear. But it is so like her to take a stray home and try to bathe it.”

  
“I’ve tried to do the same thing will all of you.” Jack stated, causing Hans’ brow to wrinkle in confusion. The ginger chef came out with meatless stroganoff in a glass dish with painted candies dancing around the sides.

  
“Here, Merlin, I replaced the beef with tofu.” Hans said. He liked trying an old dish with a new twist.

  
“Right, I’ll return it tomorrow.” Merlin said, he wondered if he poisoned the tofu would it hurt Hans’ feelings. After he closed the door his friends hovered at the oval table.

  
“We’re going to that dinner, right?” Hans asked in the huddle.

  
“Affirmative.” Pino said cheerfully.

  
“You got that right.” Said Niko.

  
“Let’s bring a boardgame.” Kio said.

  
In the White Castle the princess set the table. The incident of her step-mother, may she rest in peace, turning her entire court and staff into trees made rehiring very difficult. Princess Snow didn’t mind setting the table, it reminded her of childhood tea parties. The memories of the princess guests judging her when she ate a cookie or scone wasn’t so nice. Snow accepted the past, forgave the foolish, remembered how Princess Katherine got kicked by a unicorn for being too boney and looked forward to her future.

  
“Have you thought about hiring elves? I hear they’re inexpensive.” Merlin said as he folded the napkins into swans.

  
“I sent notice, and I offered to pay them above the average non-human rate. Did you know Elves can catch all the same diseases we can and still don’t get health insurance?” Snow said, lighting candles.

  
“Shame. But they should be grateful at least one saintly princess cares.” Merlin said, taking her hand and kissing the back of it.

  
“Aww. Oh, thanks for getting Hans’ dish.” Snow said, raising the lid to see the home-rolled pasta Hans made. He rolled two different colored pastas to look like a candy cane swirl.

  
“Gladly. Do something for me, darling?” Merlin asked with a handsome smile.

  
“What’s that?”

  
“Cancel on Brute-a-chelli and enjoy a private dinner with me?”

  
“Merlin.” Snow said in a balanced tone.

  
“Whhhhhy are you making me hang out with the man who’s obviously still in love with you? How do you think that makes me feel??” Merlin whined.

  
Snow put a hand to her hip and raised her fingers as she made these points; “Okay, One; he’s not still in love with me, two: he’s a great guy I think you’d like after you get to know him, three: because I want to remain friends with Brutechel he needs to see the wonderful man I’ve chosen.”

  
The doubt that any man would be evolved enough to see his former love happy with a new beau ran deep in Merlin. He carefully considered choosing his words so he could squash her hopes in the most respectful route.

  
Snow placed her hands on his chest. “How about this? You really try to be nice tonight and after I’ll show you the flexible Valkyrie dress in my closet.”

  
Merlin raised an eyebrow, “Bribe accepted.”

  
Brutechel brought a salad in what looked like a giant yak skull. Merlin didn’t like pesto but he generously complimented the inscriptions carved in the bone-bowl. Brutechel the Kittenish was an animal lover. He had a zoo of pets on his ship and more at home; all rescues. At age six he tamed a sabertooth tiger and dedicated the rest of his life to respecting and caring for beasts found during sailing by the family business. Officially the ‘family business’ was exclusive pottery and dishes from ‘recycled’ materials.   
The wizard found the doe-eyed Viking simple and boring. Merlin became less jealous the more Brutechel droned on about different feeding tests. To his joy he noticed Snow was only polite with the guest, she appreciated the kindness but was only just not asleep in her goblet.

  
“Oh look, the bottle’s getting low. Excuse me, I’ll grab a refill. Any preference?” Merlin merrily asked.

  
Brutechel took the last glup of his goblet. “More of this, please.”

  
“Yes, thank you.” Snow said, her porcelain cheeks a light pink.

  
Brutechel watched the skinny snob leave the room. He searched for his courage and gazed at the glorious queen before him.

  
“So how’s your cousin with the pegle-“

  
“Bunny, I love you!” Brutechel admitted, his eyes wide with seriousness.

  
A lump formed in Snow’s throat. “What?”

  
“I am crazy about you, so how about we leave and talk about the rest of our lives for the rest of our lives?” Brutechel said, leaned him large hands over to hold her.

  
Snow gently whacked them with her soup spoon. “Brutechel, no! How can you say that to me with my boyfriend around?”

  
“He’s not around now. And Bunny, come on, he can’t protect you from bears.” Brutechel said, surprised she wasn’t thanking him for the out from the malnourished lizard.

  
“Why do you always bring it back to bears?” Snow winced and raised her hands, “No, I am not engaging in this conversation again. I say no, Bea.”

  
“But he’s so…. Shrimpy!”

  
“He’s also kind and clever and cute in all the ways and I choose him.” Snow said, putting a hand over her heart.

  
Brutechel felt his heart drop. He looked over Snow’s shoulder to see the smug sorcerer dancing and meeting his eyes with a poking tongue. 

  
“I’m not sorry, I love Merlin.” Snow continued, not aware in the slightest the Merlin was making insulting gestures of victory to the denied suitor.

  
“You sure about that?” Brutechel asked, growing agitated at the arrogant snake’s dance.

  
“Yes.” Snow said with resound certainty, “I love him with all my heart.”

  
Brutechel groaned, “I want you to be happy, Snow White. I should go.”

  
“I do want you to be happy too, Bea.” Snow said, she felt pity that such a kind soul hadn’t found his right person yet.

  
The Viking slung his bear-skin over his shoulder and said not to worry about returning the skull-bowl.

  
Slipping back to the pantry Merlin soundlessly stomped the floor in glee. He picked a random wine bottle, did a twirl, and swung his arms without shame. He had no idea the Dwarf Six were watching him under Jack’s invisibility cloak. He muffled their laughter and followed the goofy friend to the dinning hall entrance. Merlin exhaled his delight and put on a façade of indifference when he approached Snow.

  
“Here we are, darling. How’s your goblet, Brutty? Oh my goodness, where did he go?” Merlin asked in phony surprise.

  
“He said he had to turn in for an early sail.” Snow fibbed, her face a little slumped.

  
“I see. Oh, dear. I’m sorry you’re disappointed.” Merlin wasn’t completely fibbing.

  
“It's how it goes.” Snow said as he kissed the top of her head.

  
“It’s getting late, we can raincheck the skimpy outfit you promised me.” Merlin said, he was already happy with the night so he could extend the excitement.

  
“Really? Honestly yeah, I’m not feeling it right now.” Snow said, placing her napkin on her plate. “I’ll clean up if you get the pillows cleared off.”

  
“I’ll clean, you get the cuddle chamber ready.” Merlin said as he took Hans’ dishware to the kitchen. Placing the dish in soapy water Merlin caught his reflection in a shiny tea pot.

  
“Hello gorgeous,” Merlin said to himself, “The smelly beast is gone and now Snow can get Merlin’d happily.”

  
Lightly parting his hair Merlin noticed a figure on the slant of the teapot. Instinct had him swiftly crouch down and miss the blow of the sink-size mallet. Merlin jumped up to see Hans’ dishware was intact, good, and he slapped a spell-card on the assailant behind him. The man was four times thicker so there was plenty of target. Merlin slide to the side and clapped his hands for a blast of lightning.

  
Brutechel blew the smoke from the burnt spot on his pec. The blast stung like a bee.

  
“Okay, let’s talk about this.” Brutechel offered, he felt a bad sport to attack such a soft puncher.

  
“Oh lets.” Merlin raised more spells in his fingers, “You got dumped, I make Snow happier,”

  
The wizard said this as they walked around a kitchen island. “Brute, chum, you can leave with a smidgen of dignity and I can be alone with the woman I adore. Or I zap you until your thick skull is a soup bowl”

  
Brutechel scoffed as they circled the steak knife set.

  
“You have tricks up your sleeve where Snow lays out her heart. My Bunny doesn’t need that.” Brutechel said as he threw a ladle at the wizard’s head.

  
Merlin dodged the ladle and threw a lightning bolt at the Viking's face. The stubble wouldn’t kindle but the ungroomed eyebrows burned clean off. Brutechel grabbed the saucepan and swung it in his palm.

  
“From what I heard you haven’t a clue what she needs.” Merlin said, he held up his arms so her magic could block the blows. “And you are the worst listener!”

  
Braced for another punch Merlin felt winded when nothing met his sizzling force fields. He lowered his guard to see Brutechel kneeled on the floor, hands down at his side.

  
“Go ahead, demon-whisperer, take me out so my Bunny can live in peace.” Brutechel said sadly, offering his thick neck open to a strike.

  
“Oh get up. As much as I loathe hearing you call my love ‘Bunny’,” Merlin rolled his eyes and shook with revulsion, “it’s no sport to disfigure a martyr.”

  
Brutechel nodded at the reasoning. He stood up, a head taller than Merlin, and wiped his hands, “If I ever hear you hurt her, I will use your straw arms for oyster forks.”

  
“Sure. Want a meal for the road, er, sea?” Merlin offered, he pointed to the pantry of fresh vegetables.

  
“Oh come on!” An oh too familiar voice bellowed from the shadows. Merlin groaned with annoyance while the spooked Brutechel searched for the demon source. Arthur threw off the cloak and slapped Merlin’s thigh.

  
“Mate, if you don’t defend Snow-belle’s honor I will disown!” The cursed prince said.

  
“Demon!” Brutechel yelled, grabbing his mallet and aiming to smash the little green monster. The mini monster caught the mallet’s face and pulled it from the Viking’s hand.

  
“No, I wouldn’t do it right. You can go right ahead.” Merlin said flatly, the two lug-heads were already crashing and destroying the royal kitchen.

  
The rest of the group sat on the kitchen island, eating the leftovers. One of the triplets shook a dice inside a cup.

  
“Hey.” Jack nonchalantly said, signaling they would clean up before the sun rose.

  
“Hey yourself.” Merlin waved in a quiet thanks to his friends. He rolled his neck and walked to Snow’s bedroom.

  
A lit candle was left on her nightstand. Snow faced away from the glow as she slept. In the pajamas that matched hers Merlin slid between the sheets. He pulled her head under his chin and lightly ran his fingers over her skin.

  
“You took a while. I should’ve helped washed.” Snow yawned against his neck.

  
“You're fine, darling. You're perfect.” Merlin quietly told her, he snapped his finger and the flame sparked away. 


End file.
